Risk Delight

The weather is warming and there are signs of flower life. I’m glad to be past walking the dog in freezing rain. I’m probably being overly optimistic but a person has to find the good in what my oncology nurse described yesterday as a crap world. I’m taking her comment out of context and I’ll explain later. In the meantime what’s a blog without some poetry? As Jack Gilbert writes in “A Brief for the Defense”

We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.

The nurse said what she did bc I was talking about how sad it was that Jane Marczewski died from breast cancer at 31. Jane had been diagnosed with breast cancer when I was. She had gotten her fame from America’s Got Talent as Nightbirde and her lovely singing voice. My oncolgy nurse said she had worked in oncology for a long time, and she said her only conclusion is that we live temporarily in this “crap” world but our true home is Heaven. I got where she was coming from and really like this woman, but I answered “ I love this world and don’t think it’s crap." I know I’m a privileged person but so much beauty surrounds us in nature, love from friends, books, family. And some ppl have crap families, limited income to pay bills, racism, sexism, so many battles to fight but cancer has taught me to wake up to wonder. To celebrate good things.

This morning I read a post from my metastatic website from a woman who just wants to give up her treatment and die bc she feels she’s being too much a burden on her family. Many wrote to encourage her to keep going but it was her fight if she wanted to stop treatment. I’m not there yet. Ask me tomorrow when all my steroids have worn off and the nausea and big d start again.

But this is not to say be silent about your pain. to paraphrase Nora Zeale Hurston “If you are silent about your pain, they'll kill you (maybe metaphorically) and say you enjoyed it.”

I have my next scan March 7 and I’m hoping for good results although 2 new lesions have popped up on my clavcle. Dan is not sure what they are. My doc says skin mets are a poor person’s CT scan.so it may mean my drug isn’t working. I' hope we don’t see more progression.

That’s it for today. The neuropathy in my fingers makes it hard to type. Yoga in 15 minutes, My words for today “Risk Delight.”