My Beautiful Torture

By 7 am

Synthroid -125 mg ~ check,

xanax—-check

hydrocodon-.25 check

lamodil-check

vit D3-2000-check

multivitamin-Check

amoxiclian—check (for bad tooth)

zophran—check, for nausea

Despite my many meds ahead of time. I look forward to Tuesday, because I’ll get my chemo. First are the other premeds—benadryl, steroids, peptide, two anti nausea drugs, and atropine. I could be an IV drug user because i love the effects of these drugs. I feel relaxed and my head/eyes roll back. And I know I’ll feel good for two days—little nausea, little diarrhea, no depression, full of energy.

It’s now Wednesday. The big D has started already but not bad. I’ll be like this til I get my next infusion Feb. 13.

I call this my beautiful torture because while halting cancer growth—-there are many bad side effects with Trodelvy. Plus it’s like the rack bc it’s stretched me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. Besides the complaints I’ve named, I also get bad Utis and bad teeth both requiring 🐜 i biotics.

It’s also beautiful bc I think of some many women around the world who can’t get it. Women in Australia just recently got it. UK is trying to get it approved. In India it’s not approved.

It’s expensive—in India it costs 140,000 out of pocket. I feel for the women on my stage 4 facebook website, who have run out of options and are terrified.

Here’s one post that made me so sad. Thankfully, my children are grown and doing well. This woman has had her life taken away.

“Nothing good has happened since last year.. I was diagnosed with stage 3 tnbc in April 2021 and had to terminate my first ever pregnancy. I started AC to no effect.. the tumor grew on it.. I underwent SMX with nodes removal from armpits and neck.. I did 12 cycles of TC.. finished 15 sessions of radiation.. currently on Xeloda for 6 months.. PET-Scan showed some infiltration in lungs.. Did mediastinal nodes biopsy.. Received the reports today.. and I am officially stage 4 now.. I believed in God.. I prayed hard especially before every test and report.. But today I find myself so confused. I was reading the previous posts and found that most of you still have so much faith in God.. I find it amusing.. How can a person have faith in anything / anyone in stage 4 cancer..”

The only thing I say to God now is thank you for what I have. But it’s also a thank you to science, the doctors, my once healthy body, my friends and family and the list goes on. I’ve been lucky with so much love from friends and family. I don’t know what happens in the afterlife, but I don’t want to die (it’s a mystery). But I have lived my kingdom of God here.