Not Dying Today

I love this poem.

The Thing Is

BY ELLEN BASS

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it
and everything you’ve held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you down like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.

Poem copyright ©2002 Ellen Bass, "The Thing Is," from Poetry of Presence: An Anthology of Mindfulness Poems,

Despite a really bad weekend of nausea, no appetite, and the big D, i felt like giving up. But I finally went for a 3 mile walk (after a 2 hour nap) and decided “take that cancer. I’m not willing to give up and die” so I walked.

I had taken lots of drugs but nothing had helped. It’s this drug. It’s rough but hoping it’s working. I’ll know after my October 4 scan. I’m having trouble breathing too—so I may make an appt. to check my lungs with chest x-ray for plural filling again. Also I’m pretty sure a left rib broke again making it hard to inhale.

I posted a photo of the pie my friend Susan brought by Friday. I love anything lemon with this chemo but it also made me realize what an amazing group of friends I have. And how they’ve born with me for almost 5 years.

Wed. I leave for metastatic breast cancer conference in Utah. Will be good to get away. TN, according to Bill Frist (R) is number one in US for new covid cases and would be #2 in world. Anyplace other than TN would be safer. I have had my 3 shots and a flu shot so I’n prepared. But in TN we’re a small nation of idiots. 53% vaxed.

On the good side we’re staying at a castle-like place in Utah. I was given a generous stipend to attend so this is a real gift!

BTW here’s a great article from The Atlantic about the secret to surviving cancer. hint it’s not meditation or bring positive. https://amp.theatlantic.com/amp/article/619844/