Heal
Bare Branches
After fall winds and rain sweep
through and remove
colorful fall leaves
the trees retain a special beauty
all their own—
their tangled stark branches
contrast against
the blue morning sky.
I am slow to rise this morning
but the bare trees outside my window
bring me comfort
as I think of my lingering cancer
and how it’s stripped me of much;
my hair, the use of my left arm,
sensation in fingertips and feet.
But there’s new beauty in life—
of moments savored over meals
the joy that fills my heart
when flowers are left on my doorstep
and I am grateful for bare-branched moments.
I can see the endless sky better.
“Heal”—That’s the word for the day. I was honored to be included in a collection of art and literature with some of my best poetry friends and artists. Our theme was heal. The poem above was published in the 2021 fall/winter issue of Pigeon Parade Quarterly. It’s available on-line and hard copies available at Union Avenue bookstore, Knoxville Many of us will do a zoom reading at 2 pm on Sunday, October 17. If interested please rsvp to rsvp@uniomavenuebooks.com. Who knows which wig I’ll be wearing that day? Red? Super red? or maybe bald. Tune in and see.
News of my latest CT scan. The cancer in my liver has doubled so I’m looking at a liver biopsy on Oct. 19th to see if my tumor has mutated to a Her2 tumor or hormone positive instead of triple negative. If so, other treatments are available. I’m also looking at one of various ways to take out that one 4 cm spot. Will happen very soon before this evil tumor spits out seeds of cancer to other spots. In the meantime, I’ll continue on Trodelvy which I got yesterday and my dose of steroids so I’m up writing at 4 am.
Fortunately the cancer doesn’t appear to be anywhere else but CT showed 7 fractured ribs (some broken) from so much radiation. I’m finding it hard to keep my shoulders up without support of ribs so I’m hunching over despite yoga and exercise. I just bought a back brace so we will see if it helps.
But for fun news, several things have happened. We’ve become doggie parents again. We’re calling him Dude—compliments of Lisa Mullikin who graciously kept him his first night away from Noah’s Ark shelter. Long story. But she said he was laid back at her house even with her own 2 dogs and they just called him Dude. So he’s Dude aka the big Barkowsy. Photo below. And he’s so sweet. He is learning to “heel” and sleeps above my shoulder on couch as i write. He makes me happy and forces me to walk more which I don’t mind. He’s a 3 yr old part poodle and part shitzu
BTW the kind Lisa also has art work in the Pigeon Quarterly and is retired prof from UT school of architecture and is now realtor extraordinaire. I love my smart, generous talented friends!
The reason we couldn’t keep Dude the first night is that Dan and I had traveled to gorgeous Park City, Utah to attend a metastatic breast cancer conference. There I promptly got altitude sickness because it’s 7,000 feet up. It hosted the 2003 winter Olympics—so it has some amazing skiing trails.
I didn’t stay sick for long bc Dan bought me a can of oxygen at hotel which helped but I had to miss opening ceremony. The doc asked me yesterday if I had been feeling more nauseated than normal, and I kinda shook my head no because I’m often nauseated. But I believe I have had more nausea. Plus I threw up in Utah which could have also come from my 4 cm liver lesion besides the altitude.
Fascinating conference—many brilliant women and men presenting the latest research on metastatic breast cancer. One true saying about breast cancer is early detection will save lives, but that’s not the whole story. Truth is breast cancer comes back even with those first diagnosed with stage 1 or 2. 30% of breast cancer patients who claim to be completely healed will become metastatic which is no fun.
So this pink month which is all balloons and fun to raise awareness of breast cancer makes those of us with metastatic breast cancer feel ambivalent bc these things are to celebrate survivors (and I’m happy for them) but after 20 years of awareness, most know about it as my breast cancer advocate friend Janice Cowden says. What we need is more money for research for metastatic cancer. Metavivor ( https://www.metavivor.org/) is one group that helps with metastatic research. If you want to help me and others like me donate to that group bc all money goes to them.
The metastatic conference showed how so many breast cancers are different. And not one word was said about how you’ll get cancer if you drink diet drinks, or use antiperspirants, or forget your vitamin D or drink coffee or whatever you fear (go to american cancer society to check facts—type in those key words). It often comes down to cellular level mutations and even your telemeres (which are improved with exercise) and your own personal mitichondria. I don’t think anyone would dispute that exercising and eating a healthy diet are good ideas but I have friends who used only organic meat and veggies and exercised and she still got cancer. And I met one young woman, Julia Maues, who was pregnant with her first child and she developed metastatic cancer. Hormones get out of whack and immune system shuts down in all pregnancies so that fetus is not detected as a foreign entity. Despite her rough chemos, her son is perfectly healthy and she has been metastatic for 7 years. She’s gone on to develop a metastatic patient advocacy group. If interested it’s https://graspcancer.org/.
One more thing. last week we drove to St.Louis to visit my son Matt and his wife Audrey. We had a blast. They live in the old Anhauser-Busch/ Lemp district, Mr. Lemp had a beer factory too, but I guess Busch beer beat them out and they went under. But what was left is a beautiful historic area, a German village, great restaurants, and 100 year old houses. Matt and Audrey live in one of them. Lovely, lovely restored home.
So I’ve been on the move even with chemo and an extracted tooth last Tuesday. My teeth are falling apart with so many chemos and dry mouth from that. Have you heard the knock knock joke? , Knock, knock. Who!s there? 2::30. 2:30 who? Tooth hurty time, time to get your tooth fixed. So trying to heal my teeth too. More later…
Hope you have a healing week—and avoid Covid and get your shots! Being sick sucks.
