Hair raising or losing adventures

““She is magnificently ugly — deliciously hideous… She has a low forehead, a dull grey eye, a vast pendulous nose, a huge mouth full of uneven teeth…Now in this vast ugliness resides a most powerful beauty which, in a very few minutes steals forth and charms the mind, so that you end as I ended, in falling in love with her… Yes behold me literally in love with this great horse-faced bluestocking.” Henry James, 1869”

I've always had fairly thick hair although it's fine textured. Sunday, the 16th day after my first treatment, I was shocked when hair began to shower down when I touched it. I started to cry when I told Dan about it although I was expecting it. It's just one more loss and exacerbated my feelings of my lack of control over my body. Cancer will teach me humility. I must admit I have been vain or at lest mostly grateful for my appearance which has sometimes opened doors for me when we moved around when I was a kid and later. One of the true facts of life is that ppl gravitate towards the pretty.

In my head I know it's what's inside that counts and my  hero George Eliot (Middlemarch) was considered one of the ugliest women in England but within 5 minutes of being around her, men and women fell at her feet in adoration bc of her charm. 

Perhaps some of my grief goes back to childhood. I was the oldest girl of four and my poor mother had a time keeping us clean and presentable. She would sometimes fuss bc my newly washed hair would quickly smell sour bc it was so thick. But I was proud of my beautiful hair in second grade especially. But that summer my mom decided to cut all the girls' hair so it would fit in a bathing cap (we were required to wear them!) and she says we hated having that pulled over our head. To escape my mother I ran and hid in the closet. They found me and cut my hair. I cried and cried. Actually my hair looked cute in a pixie cut but it wasn't what I wanted. Subsequently I didn't want to ever cut my daughter's hair which was also probably a mistake bc she would cry when I tried to comb out tangles. And she might have liked short hair.  I guess you can't win--it's hard not to be in reaction mode as a parent. 

I haven't always had long hair, though. During times of life when I felt strong or liberated from something I cut my hair. In my forties, I had much of it cut off maybe because I liked Princess Di's hair. I wanted a change. I also traveling to places like Europe and wanted to look chic. Ten years later when I finished my doctorate (in 2006) before I went to China to teach for four months,  I took a pair of scissors and started cutting it into a bob. My poor stylist said,  "you were 75% of the way there." It looked cute though and was less upkeep. 

But it's been long since then. I'm liking my pixie hair cut, now but not sure what bald will feel like. I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night looking like a ghoul so I'll wear a flannel cap. The director of the cancer center in town is giving me some flannel caps bc her sister makes them. 

The wig lady with whom I meet today to fit my wigs gave me a shopping list of things. I'm supposed to buy some sea breeze at cvs for my bald head and some eyebrow gel to purchase at Sallie's beauty supply (cheaper there). 

I'll keep you posted as to how fitting goes. Afterwards I'm supposed to get a 1.5 hour infusion of liquids.