Rage, Rage Against the Dying of the Light

The title, of course, refers to Dylan Thomas’s “Do not Go Gentle into that Good Night.” My philosophy although I’m not angry. What reason do I have to be? I’ve lived most of my long life illness free. It’s more the idea that I’m stubbornly holding onto life. I’m reading Anatole Broyard’s Intoxicated By My Illness. Broyard was NYT book review writer. Below is review on back cover of what book is about. He had stage 4 prostate cancer and died within a few years. But he went elegantly.

In one place he writes, “Illness is a drug, and it’s partly up to the patient whether it will be a low or a high.” I usually choose for it to be high as you can see in photo below of snow juxtaposed against flowers I picked the day before. It’s scary knowing you cannot be cured but in the meantime I enjoy most of my life. Ask me tomorrow when my steroids wear off—hah!

In another place, he writes, “I think one ought to die at a kind of party, the way Socrates died.” I’m all for parties.

I like this too, “When you’re ill, you instinctively fear disfigurement of yourself…you’re going to become a monster.” This is not just a fear; it’s a reality with my missing left breast and my chest so radiated it’s black and red from burns & I can’t get reconstruction even if i want to. Broyard continues, “it’s important to stay in love with yourself. That’s known as as the will to live. And your style is the instrument of your vanity. If they [the ill] can afford, I think it would be good therapy, good body narcissism, for cancer patients to buy a whole new wardrobe, mostly elegant, casual clothes” (62). I agree. There are also thrift stores if cash constrained.

He further states, “Anxiety is the cancer patients worst enemy….[but] The sick person’s best medicine is desire—the desire to live, to be with other people, to do things, to get back to life”(63). This was harder during pandemic but I was lucky to be able to zoom with dear friends, to do zoom exercises and yoga, to listen to and read great books, to be around “safe” family. I love meals shared with others. I’m loving my wine in the evening paired with food I’m craving, streaming the Oscar contenders, dreaming of the beach house in June, and waiting for Elizabeth’s new baby girl arriving in April.

I hope to see many more springs; but I don’t have control over that. In the meantime I’ll be enjoying life. I start electron radiation for those cancerous spots on my clavicle if doc thinks prudent. There are risks.

And of course my heart aches for the Ukraine. But I continue to “try to praise this mutilated world” by Adam Zagajewski (see below). Now I must walk the dog. Exercise class later and sushi lunch with a friend. A good day,