Tomato pie: rituals, Emily Dickinson and other stuff.

Sometimes people ask me how I tolerate all these treatments. As of today i’ve had 30 Trodelvy treatments which some claim to be the toughest chemo yet. (I need to count but i think I’ve had 100+ infusions over 4 yrs I might hold a record according to Dan.) The Nurse practitioner (NP) said they use me as a good example to others who are starting with this drug bc I’ve been on it the longest. I’m hoping it will continue to work for me. I fast before and a few hours after chemo so I don’t know if that helps or not. But it’s one of my many rituals that organize my life and keep me going.

To borrow a bit from Forrest Gump, my life is kinda like a tomato pie which I make every year when my tomatoes come in—I say every year but I’ve only made it 3 yrs in a row.—who knew there was such a thing—I’d never heard of it.. (Thank you grad school friend Casey Cothran for the recipe which I’ll post below. ) Last year my tomato crop wasn’t so great but this year gangbusters with big boy tomatoes and cherry salad tomatoes.

Like Gump’s “you never know what you’re gonna get” my garden is different every year but it never fails to delight me since i try new things all the time. And planting my garden is the ritual that I look forward to every year after I weed the raised bed at the lake. Dan is a huge help and does most of heavy lifting, but he knows it makes me happy. My usual plants are basil, tomatoes, green peppers, mint & sweet potatoes this year for the first time. ;My husband by mistake pulled up my old rosemary plant so no rosemary this year). My garden brings me great joy as I am reminded of the cycles of life—I love to watch the plants grow, blossom and bear fruit. Yesterday my hubs found a tiny baby green pepper inside a grren pepper.

Other rituals that keep me sane often occur daily. I (mostly) look forward to the day’s walk trying to get in my 10,000 steps. it’s hard when I’m not feeling great or it’s super hot. And after i take a walk if it’s late in afternoon, I often have a Waterford crystal glass of good wine and use my lymphedema sleeve to massage my arm.

Weekly I love Thursdays! fresh market has $5. sushi, $5. roasted chicken, and $5.for varieties of fresh pizza. I also see my therapist on Thursdays and we talk about many things: among them living with cancer, how trauma can be stored in the body. A great book “The Body Keeps the Score.”

My other rituals include classes at cancer support community on zoom. Dan and I attend at least 3 yoga classes a week. We focus on breathing deeply in and out as well as the exercises. I also take 2 fitness classes, 2 days a week taught by Stephanie Chunn who is awesome. I have faithfully been taking her classes since 2018. (I have to be careful of my ribs however bc another one feels like it broke when I finished a plank recently.) I also take a monthly writing class with Donna Doyle and sometimes a monthly art class.

I also listen to digital audible books or podcasts when I’m cooking or walking. They make chores more fun. I’m addicted to the Irish writer John Connolly who combines a mystery with some supernatural elements. He writes about an American, from Maine ((ha! clever, main character, get it?) Charlie Parker aka Bird, named after one of my fav jazz musicians. Parker is not a musician— at least i haven’t seen evidence in any of his books. But he brings bad, scary ppl to justice and I love that.

I also love listening to historan Heather Cox Richardson at 4 on chemo day (Tuesday) bc she does a politics chat. She’s brilliant—trained at Harvard— undergrad, & phd in history. Now she teaches at Boston college and has a gentle spirit. She’s humble (never mentions Harvard) a lovely person and her partner us a lobster fisherman in Maine. She makes sense of some of the craziness that’s happening these days which keeps me calm. I’ve learned more history from her than all other years of history courses and she makes history so interesting.

Most of you know, kids do well with ritual & structure, so doesn’t it make sense adults would benefit too? Especially those of us with terminal illnesses? It’s human and comforting that we have some control with rituals when everything else is out of control. When my kids were little we would have all kinds of rituals, They knew dinner was at 6, for example, and Sundays we went to church.

I fully enjoy most days except when nausea/side effects are bad. I was told yesterday that the s/e of trodelvy worsens over time but I have DRUGS.

I don’t know when I’ll make it back to church with contagious delta variant and some in my church don’t mask/and or not vaccinated.. (another reason to vaccinate for ppl like me and small children. My granddaughter, age 6, got covid last year.)

We won’t reach herd immunity til 80%up to 90% of US vaccinated and we’re about at 50. “The spread of the delta coronavirus variant has pushed the threshold for herd immunity to well over 80% and potentially approaching 90%, according to an Infectious Diseases Society of America briefing on Tuesday.” .(https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-08-03/delta-s-spread-seen-pushing-herd-immunity-threshold-above-80%)

Fortunately I have some “fellowship.”I meet with a monthly movie group, composed of ppl I met at my church, All Souls, and we discuss a movie, bringing our own food to one another’s house. We’re small. About 8 of us, Date night. And all vaccinated and will mask if inside. Afterwards someone in group prays for us all. And on Thursday nights I zoom with smart, thoughtful besties, whom I adore.

I know that many of you wouldn’t skip your weekly worship service, but as my poet friend Emily Dickinson says in poem 236:

Some keep the Sabbath going to Church –

I keep it, staying at Home –

With a Bobolink for a Chorister –

And an Orchard, for a Dome –

Some keep the Sabbath in Surplice –

I, just wear my Wings –

And instead of tolling the Bell, for Church,

Our little Sexton – sings.

God preaches, a noted Clergyman –

And the sermon is never long,

So instead of getting to Heaven, at last –

I’m going, all along.

Don’t get me wrong bc I have always loved churches——friends, potlucks, sermons, the rituals. When my pastor brother was killed in a car wreck taking a young woman to AA, I was in church all the time. twice on Sundays—different churches and on Wednesday nights. Those things helped me survive my grief. So I’m grateful for churches.

i promised a recipe so i’ll post. Continuing the tomato pie analogy—my life is as tasty as a tomato pie, sweet, savory,, delicious and filled with the abundance of earth. Have an abundant tomato pie day (if you hate tomatoes skip my rec) and think of all the rituals that keep you going! Now onward to dentist!