“I can bear any pain as long as it has meaning”

The title comes from my favorite book 1q84 by Haruki Murakami. This concept is tricky for metastatic patients, especially since our endgame is not curative and hence our illness/pain often has little meaning. But at the same time, if we feel as if we are getting better, at least somewhat, then pain is tolerable. And my new molecular test shows i have some kind of gene that predisposes me to cancer. So I can stop beating myself up wondering what I did to cause this disease.,

Today I feel as if my pain, nausea, GIi discomfort is easily tolerable bc my most recent Ct scan shows that maybe my liver lesion is shrinking. The report also states that it looks like the center of the lesion may be necrotic from the radiation I got the end of October. That was a tough time—radiation, chemo and 2 liver biopsies within 2 weeks. But it was worth it. No other disease is showing up. Ribs are still a problem. 8 old fractures (4 on each side) with one on left showing concavity—whatever that means. They hurt at night especially when i attempt to turn over. And bc of the ribs I cannot straighten my shoulders so i look lopsided on the left and no amount of pt or yoga will help that. My ribs mostly distress me bc I can’t pick up my grands and a new one is arriving in April. Yes I know I can hold but you make a lousy baby sitter if you can’t lift!

Oh and speaking of babies ct scan report said my uterus was surgically absent. Nope. Still have it 😀. Because of my age maybe it’s withered up haha.

Another plus. I got a “promotion” of sorts—I only see the Doc once a month now instead of at the start of each new cycle. My white counts, hemoglobin, neutrophils are stable—low but stable.