Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged

I’ve been thinking about one of Dan’s former patients from maybe 10 years ago. She was addicted to cocaine and had a terminal prognosis. In my judgey, precancer days I thought, “why is she doing this to herself?” In her search for more drugs, she would end up in jail and all kinds of awful places. Now I understand her a bit better. She died fairly quickly but I hope she died happy.

I read recently that “There is a holiness to exhaustion” by poet Carrie Fountain. I expect cocaine user was exhausted. Everyday I have to tell myself don’t succumb to over drinking to stop the mental anguish of waiting or taking too many drugs to stop the chronic pain in my shoulder although it’s tempting. When I go to yoga it hurts, when I put on my coat it hurts, when I carry anything in my left hand it hurts, when I turn over in bed it hurts, and I can’t even begin to lift my darling grandkids.

February 9 was my three year anniversary with breast cancer. 45+ chemos (7 A&C and lots of other drugs) 6 months oral chemo, 71 radiations/proton on left side, 30 scheduled for the right side to get lymph nodes which are on opposite side of previously treated skin. I have had 3 surgeries including a mastectomy which did not stop cancer from coming back third time on that side so don’t fall for that myth. Practically all my skin in breast area was removed as my back muscle was grafted over my heart.

7 pet scans, numerous ultrasounds, mris and mammograms., Many lymphadema appts and massages. Endrinology appts bc thyroid got out of whack so now I have hashimotos. Slight Neuropathy. Two trips to vandy, two trips to Sarah Cannon to get second opinions. I have been vigilant.

All in three years. And I have not forgotten all of your kindnesses you’ve shown me as I made this journey!

This week I heard that Dan’s co-worker had a recurrence of breast cancer. She was treated 17 years ago for hormone breast cancer and now it’s come back as triple negative. That’s why we can’t breathe a sigh of relief with this disease.

I’m on my second week of radiation which won’t be as bad as proton, but not as “easy” as first time. I have 4 more weeks to go.

Don’t think my blood levels back to normal, sitting a great deal this winter but do talk myself into going for walks plus I try to attend at least 2-3 yoga classes a week and one strength building class at cancer support community. I’m maintaining my weight around 126 although that’s still a bit high for me. When chemo stops, wt starts rolling off bc of no more steroids.

Can’t wait to go back to a normal life when we can travel and maybe I won’t be too tired to run. We were going to Las Vegas in March but we planned trip in October before I knew my cancer had moved to right lymphs. Grateful Dan and I have taken these short vacations when we thought I was done. Or when we visited Opryland at Christmas for my Sarah Cannon visit, And thankfully I could go to Charleston with girlfriends bc it was between treatments. So I am thankful for opportunities like that.

And I continue to write. Dan continues to write, so despite tough times, we keep on.