And now for something completely different as they used to say on Monty Python. My brilliant husband composed an elaborate allegory about my breast cancer experience. Enjoy!

My Wife’s Breast Cancer

By Daniel Scaperoth

For a long time there was peace and harmony in the country of Harobed. It was a beautiful country noted for it’s excellent education system, number of poet laureates and outstanding child care programs. The citizens were hard working and productive with hope for a bright future. But one day, on the East Side of town, there was a commotion in a popular local establishment. A heated argument had escalated into violence resulting in a lot of damage to the furniture and a front window. The Police were called in to investigate and Sargent Handle happened to be on duty. “I suspect a gang may be forming here,” she reported back to Central Intelligence. This was concerning since the citizens prided themselves on their well ordered society and their healthy respect for the law. They were not above having a good time and getting a little wild, but never when it interfered with the rights of others. It was unusual to have a public disturbance of this magnitude.

The incident was reported up the chain of command. A Security Council was organized and called to order. Not wanting to overreact, they decided to send in a probe to get some accurate data and find out what was going on. This was promptly approved and the probe sent in the next day. Sure enough, the Sargent was right to be concerned. This was much worse than a gang. They were terrorists.

The good citizens of Harobed and Central Intelligence were stunned by the revelation that their peaceful community had been invaded in this way. They had kept up good boarder security and maintained a strong, well trained Police department that never suspected any untoward activity.

The Security Council had a file on these terrorists and they knew what needed to be done. In order to make sure the terrorists did not scatter and elude capture, a series of preemptive attacks were planned. The first would bring down communications and the next would subtly poison the local food supply to make them weaker and more likely to surrender. With this plan in place, the Police first did a broad search of the East and West side including the North and South as well, concluding the outlaws were only in the one location. After eight weeks of quietly attacking with EM bursts, power outings and slow poison, the SWAT team was called in. The terrorists were weakened and seemingly caught by surprise. They were quickly rounded up and sent to detention.

The preemptive attacks were somewhat disruptive and certainly annoying, but the good citizens of Harobed understood their importance and tolerated the inconvenience without complaint.

Just to make sure all was secure, a Rifle Squad was assigned the task of going door to door on the East Side shooting anyone found to be a terrorist. They would be equipped with the latest in laser guided weapons. This search and destroy mission went on for six weeks and was very effective but disruptive for the locals. There were even a few civilian injuries from stray bullets. A public outcry to this intrusion was dealt with swiftly by the Security Council and smoothed over with the help of Sargent Handle.

Recovered in the raid were enough guns and ammunition to bring down the entire city. Interrogation revealed these terrorists were an aggressive, especially hostile group intent on global domination. There was no indication of their origins. Their sentence for treason, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, illegal possession of firearms and attempted terrorism was death. Sentence was carried out immediately. There appeared to be no survivors but the suppression techniques were continued for several more weeks just in case someone was missed.

Life proceeded to get back to normal in Harobed. There was celebration and a global sigh of relief. The security forces went back to routine surveillance and the department heads took a well deserved vacation. Sargent Handle went on routine patrol and was completely satisfied with what she saw...for about six months.

“Not again,” she thought as she observed more commotion in the building right next door to the one she reported on earlier in the year. “This looks familiar and very suspicious, I’d better investigate.” Another probe was requested and approved through the Council. The probe results were the same as last time – more terrorists that seemed to come from the same group. “Where the heck did these guys come from and how did they survive all this time?” She went back and reviewed the arrest records and termination papers. All was in order. We must have missed something last time but she couldn’t see how. All the i’s were dotted and the t’s crossed. There was a general atmosphere of frustration in the police department.

The Security Council was called to order again. Their task was to decide what to do next to ensure all terrorists were permanently eliminated. Should they call in the SWAT team or maybe the Rifle Squad again. Someone mentioned the option of engaging the services of a sharp shooter to pick them off one by one with less chance of disturbing the neighbors? They wanted to do something different and less disruptive to society, so the sharp shooter plan was approved by committee vote. There was risk that a sharp shooter wouldn’t always have a clear shot, so a poison was also introduced into the local water supply and they called in some reinforcements and shut down communications. The sharp shooters were set in place across the street from the terrorists where they could see their targets more clearly.

The terrorists were experienced and not phased by any of this. They kept out of sight and broke through the communication barriers. They didn’t consume the poison as if they knew it was there. They were in full recruitment and training mode. Sargent Handle saw the escalation in activity and concluded that the sharp shooters were not getting a clear shot and knew the SWAT team was not going to cut it this time. She called for the National Guard.

The Council approved the National Guard request. The Guard was a no nonsense, “get the job done at all costs” group with clear instructions to completely clean out the area. All the citizens on the East Side would be relocated out of the country and any terrorists found would be interrogated and then shot. It was a long difficult “process” that would leave permanent scars on the countryside. They wasted no time in getting down to business.

The “process” involved two steps, the first being the removal of all personnel (including terrorists) and all building structures leaving only their foundations. The second step would be to completely Terra-form the area with lawn and pavement. It would be possible to rebuild later. Part of the North and West sides would be affected by the process.

This was a drastic step for the citizens of the East Side and approval for the process did not go with out some dissent on their part. There were some protests and heated discussions in town hall meetings. A few rocks were thrown but ultimately everyone understood that there was no better way to ensure complete elimination of the threat to civic and national security.

Most of the work was done after dark and when complete, the East Side was unrecognizable but not unpleasant with the new lawn in place. All terrorists had been removed (and there were several found.) A thorough search afterward showed no signs of survivors.

The Security Council met to discuss ways to keep terrorists out of other parts of the country. They came up with a higher security monitoring system and a new toxin that would get into the trenches so any terrorist hiding out could hopefully not detect or escape it. This was approved and set in place with minimal impact on civilian life in Harobed.

Several weeks later, Sargent Handle was maintaining the new East Side lawn when she noticed a single shadowy figure in a red sweatshirt trying to make their way out of the area heading South. She went through channels and called for back up. Within hours the SWAT team responded. The suspect was quickly apprehended and identified as a terrorist. She was found to be part of the original group thought to be extinct. In spite of intense interrogation, she did not give up any information regarding the possibility that more like her may still be alive. This created panic among the administration and many a disparaging word was uttered.

“Shit! What do we do now? Could there possibly be more? This is getting ridiculous.”

The Security Council met again in emergency session. This was well attended by Generals Paddle, Carl, Wilkins, Garvey, Abraham and Chalk. All well respected in the field of terrorism control recruited from all over Harobed. They discussed the evidence that the terrorist cell could be scattered in the underground and that the original multifaceted attack was the most effective so far. They should start with this first. The citizens of Harobed would be affected in all corners of the country and a consensuses from both the Security Council and Central Intelligence would be needed. A heated discussion ensued and an aggressive plan emerged. They would use more of the original food supply poison while concurrently bringing down communications. In addition, this would be followed by a small controlled nuclear blast centered on what used to be the East Side town square. This was a desperate measure in desperate times. Nothing would survive the blast including the newly planted lawn. Part of the South Side would be in the blast zone and some farming and a food processing plant would be affected. There would be no rebuilding the town after this attack, but the cost was felt to be necessary. After much discussion it was unanimously approved.

The poison and communication block went off with out a hitch and there was much enthusiasm among the citizens and administration regarding the success of the plan so far. The nuclear blast was another thing. There were lingering concerns. Such a destructive force used after the damage done by the National Guard, Rifle Squad and the poison had never been attempted by the generals in the past, and there was no one who had heard of another country attempting it. But alternative options were reviewed and eliminated, so they pressed on. Central Intelligence was tasked with entering the final code to arm the weapon and General Wilkins pushed the button. A series of blasts would be produced over several weeks decimating the countryside.

Nothing was left, including the terrorists.

There was much celebration over the victory and mourning over the losses. The East side was reseeded with a new lawn and memorials build in honor of those that were lost or displaced. The South Side rebuilt. The rest of Harobed proceeded to get back to normal. Central Intelligence occupied itself with business not involving terrorism. The security forces went back to routine surveillance and the generals and department heads took well deserved vacations. Sargent Handle went on routine patrol and was completely satisfied with what she saw, but ever vigilant. She would never forget the ordeal.