In the Beginning, there was Cancer
But now to the story, dear reader, as Charlotte Bronte would say.
My Deb in Wonderland adventure started like this:
Since I had been negligent about getting a mammogram for several years, at my regular gyn check- up in December of 2016, my doctor joked that if I didn’t get one by the next time he saw me, he wasn’t going to let me leave his office. I didn’t think much more about it, but had decided that I would get a mammogram soon. January came and went. I was tired but I had spent part of the month in Washington babysitting my granddaughter, attending the Woman’s march, celebrating my 64th birthday and writing a little. I was home by early February but busy. On February 7, I noticed one breast felt enlarged and felt thick at the top of my ribcage. I went to my husband of thirty-eight years who also happens to be a radiation oncologist and said, “Look I’m not trying to be sexy, but could you feel this part of my breast and tell me what you think.” He said, “I can’t feel a mass, it might be mastitis; get a mammogram.” I thought, “Well it’s probably nothing, but I will get it checked out.” I had been having dreams of breast feeding babies so I thought maybe it was my body telling me something was wrong with my breast.
The next day I made an appointment for my mammogram which was to be on Thursday Feb. 9, the date of my deceased brother’s birthday. Not a great day for me usually. I had a lunch date but she cancelled so I just got ready for my 2:30 appointment.
“Are you having any problems?” the mammogram tech asked.
Hesitantly, I said, “One breast feels funny.”
The tech called the nurse into the room who then did an exam of the area that felt different. She briskly left the room and came back to say “We will do a diagnostic exam and a 3D mammogram.”
I went through the usual contortions with the mammogram and some extra pictures to boot. The mammogram didn’t show anything really but they could see a thickening of my skin below my beast which then led to an ultrasound.
The last time I had an ultra sound was when I was pregnant with my youngest son who is now 28, but I remembered the same gooey, cold stuff. Dr. Gayle Roulier was kind and tried to talk to me about running (since we both run) and her kids as she looked, I could see a spider like thing on the screen and she started taking measurements. That’s when I began to panic (calmly). She said, “This has bought you a biopsy of your breast.” Then I saw some more black spider like areas under my arm, “This has bought you a lymph node biopsy.” I said, “Could these things not be something? She said, “No it’s something. We just don’t know what yet. I’d do a biopsy now but I’m afraid my office is disappearing now. I’ll call your husband while you’re getting dressed.” Dan works in a floor below hers.
Dan talked to Gayle in person and then they both tried to reassure me. I think I cried in disbelief. I don’t remember exactly what happened next. I was in shock. But it was scary when I got home and my husband was crying. He hugged me and said, “We will figure this out. It will be okay.”
As soon as I texted my daughter in St. Louis, she got in her car with my grandson and drove to Tennessee. She spent the night in Nashville and a good angel, unaware of what was going on in our lives, paid for her hotel room. The Universe, as my daughter calls it, was easing her path as we all struggled for answers and togetherness.